Just Breathe

No, not like the song. I need to remind myself of this sometimes, when fear makes breathing feel impossible, like there's no light, no hope, nothing. But I need to remember that no matter what, things are still okay. True, they're not as secure or settled or where I want them. But at the same time, I still have plenty of reasons to be thankful. And even if something terrible does happen, again, I know it's temporary. Whatever it is, I can get through it. I remember a dear friend of mine who has been through far worse trials of this nature, and she's still alright, still able to keep her head up and remember to smile and to rise above, again and again. This is what I need to remember. And that I have faith. Faith that my path is in the hands of someone far greater and more powerful than myself. Faith that has let me along this path so far, which is almost entirely different than what I've ever imagined for myself, but it is still the best path. And I know it will continue. I simply need to keep my eyes and ears and mind open to see the signs directing me along that path. And I need to remember to breathe.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can

Isn't it amazing how everyone seems to have a higher opinion of your abilities than you do, except for potential employers? Does that mean that everyone else is just being nice and you're right after all? Or is everyone else right, you're being to hard on yourself, and the lack of employment is due to other causes? And it's not just prejudiced friends and relatives, but people with whom you have a more casual acquaintance with who seem to have full confidence in you. I try to tell myself that everyone else's confidence means that I am more competent than I think, but then that attitude starts to falter when I can't even get an interview, let alone a job. Perhaps it's just failings in my cover letter writing? I'd like to think so, as that means I can fix it. However, I've had interviews for two different jobs that I thought were perfect and that I really wanted to do, and neither hired me. I'm so tired of this. I just want a job.

Changes for a New Year

So it's official. I am a lawyer. Not only am I a lawyer, but I'm an unemployed lawyer. How did this happen? Life was going so smoothly, everything falling into place, and now...now I feel lost. I've come to realize that I've never really had to search for a real job. Even my first job as a waitress came to me because a friend worked there and suggested me when they needed another server. The jobs I had during college were equally as easy to get. Even my post-college job, my first "real job", was practically offered to me before I knew it was available. Now, as I try to search for the right job, it feels like such new and unfamiliar territory, I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm rather blindly sending out resume after resume, with no clue if the position is even remotely right for me. The two jobs that I did actually think were perfect, and that I did make it through several interviews for, didn't pan out. With both of those avenues shut down (though perhaps not for good), I'm feeling more lost than ever. So what now? After all the major decisions of my life essentially falling into my lap, how do I try to figure out my next step when nothing seems to be coming? It becomes rather depressing, but I know I need to avoid falling into that. I am well aware of how important a positive mental attitude and confidence are in this sort of situation, so I try to remain optimistic. It's hard, but I know I can do it. I recall back towards the beginning of law school, when I was constantly complaining on FB/gmail statuses about stress, studying, my apartment, the T, whatever, a friend of mine pointed out that I had nothing but negativity. I'm sure he didn't think I would take the comment to heart, but I did, and realized I needed to amend that. I strove to find things to be happy about, or at least more neutral, rather than just complaining. And it did help. The more I was able to look at the positive, the less the negative bothered me. Or at least I got better about ignoring unpleasantness, a habit that I'm not so sure was such a good one to develop. I feel like I need that friend to offer similar criticism/advice again to help me keep my focus on track. While I have so many wonderful friends who are supportive and helpful, there's something about talking with a friend who's close, but not too close, to really help you see things more clearly. Such a person lacks the prejudices of those closes to you, and can bring more of an outside perspective, one that you feel you can trust because you respect their opinions. Perhaps it's time for me to reach out to some of those people, and help get my head back on straight so that I can make this the wonderful year I know it is meant to be.