Seeking Coherency

Reviewing my prior posts, I realized just how all over the place I am. It's like my blog suffers from multiple personality disorder. But then again, the schizophrenic approach kind of mirrors how my life has been. The times I get around to posting something are, clearly, few and far between, and usually spurred by either boredom or strong feelings. Looking at what feelings and event have moved me throughout the past years is interesting. I suppose that's the whole point of a journal or diary, and that's essentially what I have used this as. I apologize to all of you who have chosen to try to make any sense of what you read here. It's really not about you. It's all about me (at least in terms of this blog). Part of me thinks perhaps I should find a coherent theme to stick with. Primarily because I've been perusing so very many blogs in my obsession with recipes lately (more and more I've been wanting to go with a complete career change and just become a chef or baker). But really, there's no point in that. I don't want that. I don't post things for that reason. If I later feel the need to do something with more coherence, I'll start something new. But here, I think I'll stick with my random, sporadic, topic-jumping ramblings.

Speaking of topic jumping...

Part of me does want to create some sort of food blog. Partly due to my current obsession with them, and partly due to the fact that I've already got a ton of pictures of previously baked goodies that I kind of want to just put out there. But also part of me doesn't want to (mainly due to not really caring about photograph composition while taking previously mentioned photos...kind of an inferiority complex caused by all the pretty other blogs...but then again, that new blog would still likely be just for me). Hmmm.... Thoughts for further procrastination.

Dreaming

Dream interpretation is something that fascinates me. Not to say that I have to decode every dream I have, giving full credence to the interpretations and changing my life accordingly. I know that the interpretations are often vague and there are often multiple interpretations of one symbol, and sometimes it is not symbolic after all (one of the great examples from a dream dictionary: dreaming of sex can represent merging aspects of yourself...or it could just mean you need to have more sex). But I still feel there can be something to it. After all, there are many generally understood symbols or meanings associated with things (red can be anger, passion, or power; snakes can be a sign of evil; birth is a new beginning), so why can't these symbols represent themselves in various forms in our dreams? And often times the interpretations make sense. The other day, a friend had an odd dream, involving mountain climbing and unsquishable beetles. After looking at the symbolism of the important elements, the resulting meaning seemed to fit her situation to a T. Whenever I have a particularly vivid dream, one I'm still thinking about when I wake up, I always try to look up the elements, and it often makes sense. Sure, there are some elements that don't fit, but even those you can usually recognize where they come from and still decode the other elements.

The other night, my dream involved a friend's wedding, flying in an airplane over a marsh and a forest, two free-standing doors in the forest (one red, one beige) with rabbits on them, and grapefruit trees. The whole thing about the colored doors doesn't really make much sense. A closed door symbolized an opportunity denied, someone or something blocking your progress - that would be a bit of a stretch. I don't feel like I'm facing a lot of closed doors or obstacles right now, but I suppose it could fit. Beige refers to the basics, red is raw energy, passion, power, aggression - again, not terribly relevant, especially linked with the doors. Rabbits symbolize luck and success, a positive outlook on life - well, I did recently receive a newly positive outlook, but I haven't been having much luck or success lately. However, I have been watching Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland a lot. You know, the one where she enters Underland through a free-standing door,with nothing on the other side. Even in my dream, this is what I thought of when I saw these doors. So I think it's safe to say those elements weren't so much symbols, but rather just carryover from waking hours.

So what about the rest of my dream? Well, the wedding symbolizes a new beginning or transition in my current life. Hmmm... I'm sort of starting a new job, which will allow me to make a lot of changes, and feels like I'm getting life back on track, though I currently feel stuck in a transition period. Yup, that one fits. The wedding was of a childhood friend - symbolizing regression to the past, without responsibilities and carefree. Who doesn't wish for such a time when faced with a mountain of stressful adult responsibilities? Check again (also, looking this up would explain why I've dreamt of this friend's wedding so many times - lately it seems I'm often in transition, which leads to a longing to leave responsibility behind). The forest? Again symbolizes transition. The marsh: "To see or dream that you are at a marsh, suggests instability in your emotional realm. You may be feeling bogged down, insecure or unsure about the future or how to go about with achieving your goals." Anyone who actually knows me knows how dead on this one is. The grapefruit trees symbolize talents, belief system and good deeds. This is again not quite a direct fit, but given that I was looking at the trees from afar, doubting whether it really was a grapefruit tree, and feeling like it was beyond reach to verify - well, that again fits with my doubts about my talents. Finally, the airplane symbolizes overcoming obstacles and rising to a new level of status. Which is exactly what I hope the new job will help with.

So in all, the elements of my dream seem to be rather contradictory - positive outlook and changes, but regressing to childhood without responsibilities, instability and insecurity about the future, and rising above obstacles. However, my emotions lately have been going through a very similar roller coaster. One minute I'll be thinking everything is great and going to work out for the best, the next I'm feeling a crushing hopelessness that nearly brings me to tears. So yes, my dream pretty accurately reflected what is going on in my life. But what's the point of all of this? Why does it matter? Some of the information I've read regarding sleep has indicated that it's a time for your brain to reset, and in doing so, work through various issues. Clearly this is what my mind was doing last night. As for what the benefit of my knowing all of this... Well, this particular dream isn't that helpful. I'm already aware of all of these issues and emotions, as well as the cause of them. But this isn't always the case. Sometimes looking for meaning in dreams can provide insight into issues you haven't quite identified, only had a nebulous feeling that something wasn't right. Or, as in the case of my friend's dream, can provide encouragement. Walking over beetles while mountain climbing doesn't sound very inspiring, but pushing on without allowing negative influences to distract you from your goals is encouraging.

Dreams really are fascinating. Yes, sometimes a dream is just a dream. But often, it's a fascinating way for our subconscious to communicate in a way we can decipher, to see what issues we may need to address in our waking hours, or perhaps just a way to work through our emotions. Not to mention, sometimes it's just fun.

Just Breathe

No, not like the song. I need to remind myself of this sometimes, when fear makes breathing feel impossible, like there's no light, no hope, nothing. But I need to remember that no matter what, things are still okay. True, they're not as secure or settled or where I want them. But at the same time, I still have plenty of reasons to be thankful. And even if something terrible does happen, again, I know it's temporary. Whatever it is, I can get through it. I remember a dear friend of mine who has been through far worse trials of this nature, and she's still alright, still able to keep her head up and remember to smile and to rise above, again and again. This is what I need to remember. And that I have faith. Faith that my path is in the hands of someone far greater and more powerful than myself. Faith that has let me along this path so far, which is almost entirely different than what I've ever imagined for myself, but it is still the best path. And I know it will continue. I simply need to keep my eyes and ears and mind open to see the signs directing me along that path. And I need to remember to breathe.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can

Isn't it amazing how everyone seems to have a higher opinion of your abilities than you do, except for potential employers? Does that mean that everyone else is just being nice and you're right after all? Or is everyone else right, you're being to hard on yourself, and the lack of employment is due to other causes? And it's not just prejudiced friends and relatives, but people with whom you have a more casual acquaintance with who seem to have full confidence in you. I try to tell myself that everyone else's confidence means that I am more competent than I think, but then that attitude starts to falter when I can't even get an interview, let alone a job. Perhaps it's just failings in my cover letter writing? I'd like to think so, as that means I can fix it. However, I've had interviews for two different jobs that I thought were perfect and that I really wanted to do, and neither hired me. I'm so tired of this. I just want a job.

Changes for a New Year

So it's official. I am a lawyer. Not only am I a lawyer, but I'm an unemployed lawyer. How did this happen? Life was going so smoothly, everything falling into place, and now...now I feel lost. I've come to realize that I've never really had to search for a real job. Even my first job as a waitress came to me because a friend worked there and suggested me when they needed another server. The jobs I had during college were equally as easy to get. Even my post-college job, my first "real job", was practically offered to me before I knew it was available. Now, as I try to search for the right job, it feels like such new and unfamiliar territory, I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm rather blindly sending out resume after resume, with no clue if the position is even remotely right for me. The two jobs that I did actually think were perfect, and that I did make it through several interviews for, didn't pan out. With both of those avenues shut down (though perhaps not for good), I'm feeling more lost than ever. So what now? After all the major decisions of my life essentially falling into my lap, how do I try to figure out my next step when nothing seems to be coming? It becomes rather depressing, but I know I need to avoid falling into that. I am well aware of how important a positive mental attitude and confidence are in this sort of situation, so I try to remain optimistic. It's hard, but I know I can do it. I recall back towards the beginning of law school, when I was constantly complaining on FB/gmail statuses about stress, studying, my apartment, the T, whatever, a friend of mine pointed out that I had nothing but negativity. I'm sure he didn't think I would take the comment to heart, but I did, and realized I needed to amend that. I strove to find things to be happy about, or at least more neutral, rather than just complaining. And it did help. The more I was able to look at the positive, the less the negative bothered me. Or at least I got better about ignoring unpleasantness, a habit that I'm not so sure was such a good one to develop. I feel like I need that friend to offer similar criticism/advice again to help me keep my focus on track. While I have so many wonderful friends who are supportive and helpful, there's something about talking with a friend who's close, but not too close, to really help you see things more clearly. Such a person lacks the prejudices of those closes to you, and can bring more of an outside perspective, one that you feel you can trust because you respect their opinions. Perhaps it's time for me to reach out to some of those people, and help get my head back on straight so that I can make this the wonderful year I know it is meant to be.